This week I had to go through some uncomfortable tests because a part of my body was sending some alarming signals. It has been the scariest experience ever. Jumping from my normal life to some tiny rooms in a huge hospital filled with other alarmed people was something unexpected. Being examined by large cold machines, filling out paperwork. I felt scared.
At some point during one of the tests (an ultrasound) I got to see the shape of something weird inside my body. The lady doing the ultrasound was sweet, she kept trying to make me feel comfortable. But curiosity kept pushing me to look at the screen. My fears started to grow bigger and bigger. My head was spinning. What would happen if my children can’t have their Mom? How would that affect them? Those were my first thoughts. How is my husband going to cope if I’m not around?
I felt that my world was slowly turning upside down. I faced the possibility of not having the long life that I have planned for. The one where I see my kids graduating and getting married and having babies. The life where I materialize a long list of creative projects that I dream about everyday.
I had to keep pushing my inner tears back, I didn’t want them to come out. So the time arrived when I finally got to see the Dr. in a dark office with some illuminated screens showing photos of parts of my body that I will never see with my eyes. The Dr. started talking, I couldn’t understand many words, I was only focusing on that big word that starts with the letter C. She kept talking and the word never showed up. She finally said: now you can relax, go back home and continue with your life, everything is OK. We have nothing to worry about. All I said was: Thanks a lot Dr. what a huge relief!
I got dressed up in my regular clothes and went back to the deserted valet parking area to pick up my car. As soon as I was outside I took a deep breath, air felt like a gift, seeing people walking on the streets felt like a gift. I felt deeply grateful to be alive. The young man working at the valet parking looked tired, his face clearly told a story of someone who had a hard life. He gave me the keys with a serious but friendly face, I reached for my wallet and gave him all the cash I had as a tip, $20. He looked at me as if I had made a mistake. I said, please accept this as a gift to celebrate life. I just came back from some crazy tests and thank God everything is OK. He gave me the most beautiful smile and a high 5. I said, man, life is beautiful, we shouldn’t take it for granted. Have a wonderful day and God bless you.
I left the empty valet parking area while looking through the mirror. I saw him smiling. As soon as I got into the busy traffic on the street I started crying, I was so happy that I just let my tears some out.
So today is my birthday. I’m turning 42 years old, the same age that my grandma (my Mom’s Mom) was when she died due to the same thing that made me go have some tests. I miss grandma even though we never met. But I choose to think that she has something to do with me getting the best birthday gift ever, the confirmation that I can keep going with my life. I still have a bunch of years to enjoy.
All I want to say is thank you everyone and everything for existing. I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Life is wonderful and I love being alive 🙂